Uncertain, confused, alone, emotional, yet at the same time excited, ambitious, envigored, happy, blessed and contented.
At the start of the year a mess of emotions were swimming through me. One moment I felt this and the next moment exactly the opposite. I was starting a new chapter in my life. An interior design course in Woodstock. I left my parents’ house for a room in res in Cape Town.
Through all the rollercoaster moments of emotions every day, I was convinced, with a lot of peace in my heart, that I was exactly where I should be. God very clearly placed me on this route. Still uncertain and a still with a little bit of fear, I knew that my life is in His hands. I am where I am because He has His hand in my life. He is always in control.
I, someone who was a bit of a homebody, had to leave my house and stay in a res room in the middle of the city. My excitement, thoughts of the impulsive moments and the prospect of life ahead of me dominated my uncertainties at that time. But it’s when the passages are silent and mealtime is over, that the silence becomes louder than a scream. I feel alone. Alone: a word that I had never even really known the true definition of until now. The tears build up and flow over my cheeks. Sometimes the silence does something though, it’s in these moments that I also come to realise that I’m not alone. That I was never actually alone. My God, Dad and Father, is waiting with open arms to catch His daughter with her tears and loneliness.
It’s in these alone times with teary red eyes when I dust off my Bible again. I have always had a relationship with the Lord and He was part of my daily life from a very early age. But, as you know, life happens, and we too easy and too quickly compromise on quality time with God. Actually, I really didn’t have my priorities straight. At that moment, when I dusted my Bible off, I immediately felt like the boy who returned to his father, who was welcomed with open arms. Time and time again, God will welcome us with His big open arms, no matter how long it’s been since we last spoke with him, or what we had done or not done. He really is a good good Father, and we are loved by Him… as the song goes.
When I spend time in His word, I notice how present He is. In fact, I’m almost embarrassed thinking about how alone I felt because He’s always been there. In our alone, uncertain, desperate, confused and uncertain times He is always there. He waits with open arms so that we can return to Him again. My relationship with Jesus Christ started again. He brought me out of my isolated, quiet and dark room. He propped me up onto His shoulders and carried me. He really became my best friend.